im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
