i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
