I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
