so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
