so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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