I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
