doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
