Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
There's even glitter on my cock...
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