party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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