I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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