Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize