Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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