Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
