He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
