I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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