so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
