Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
