my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
