everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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