Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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