i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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