I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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