if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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