i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
