I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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