I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
