I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
