This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
