My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Randomize
