He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
