My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
