Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
