i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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