I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
