I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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