dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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