Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
