I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
