the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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