So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
