Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
