Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize