my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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