Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
