I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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