Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
