there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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