just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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