i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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