a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize