the new term for farting is butt boxing.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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