we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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