my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
