Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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