the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
