i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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