I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I think I just sharted jello shots
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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