So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
