Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I enjoy the company of your penis
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
