my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
